It has been 103 days since my father in law went missing from his home, he had gone out on his morning walk, and he never returned home. 103 days of wondering, 103 days of searching, 103 days of emotional agony, 103 days without our Dad.
The disappearance of my father in law has flipped my world upside down. 103 days is not a lot of time, yet I feel as if my whole perspective on the world has flipped. I have never been a traditional person, however now I feel myself craving tradition and wanting to change my last name for marriage(wedding is coming up!). I want a family of my own, I want to hold onto the few family members I have left with all my might. I feel anxiety, I feel sadness for my fiance, I feel guilt that we did not spend more time with him(my father in law), I feel silly sometimes due to him not being “my” dad. I feel everything, and I feel nothing – all at once. I feel alone, as I don’t know anyone else who has experienced this type of loss…I don’t even know if you can call this loss.
How do you continue to have hope for the rest of time, never knowing whether someone will be found or not? Do I continue to search? Do I try to go on with my life, trying to push away the awful feelings that creep up inside me?
Well, so much has changed in my life since my last post. It’s good chances, natural changes I believe but none the less…a lot of change! This summer my boyfriend took me back into the mountains, on a long, seemingly endless trail east of Vancouver, BC.
Every new hike we go on, I try something new. This trip I downloaded a bunch of podcasts with the hope that this would distract from my discomfort and the constant uphill trail ahead of me. And this worked!
I’m not going to share the name of the hike since it’s currently not thaat popular and I don’t want to ruin it! It’s a 20km hike, and it’s STEEP.
Enjoy the pictures!
Yup, we got engaged!
I said it. That’s right. I am adopted. The first time I said aloud was while sitting on a dusty, ratty old couch that sat in a common room of my university dorm building. I was 20 years old. And of course I didn’t tell just anyone about this secret, I told a girl who I did not know well but seemed overly accepting and kind of perky – I think this was a safe choice for me. At the time I realized that I didn’t care what she thought so I went ahead and told her, shortly turning into a pile of tears. Yes, I lived 20 years on this earth not telling a soul that my birth mother did not want me, she could not afford to pay for me. I am still emotional about this of course, but not ashamed as I once was. This will be the first time I ever write it out, and here I am…publicly announcing it.
You are probably wondering why it took me 20 years to tell anybody. I ask myself this when I am reflecting on how sad but also beautiful adoption can be. Adoption is a tumbleweed of being rejected and being wanted – a constant tumbleweed (I honestly can’t tell you why I chose to use this word…I just imagine my emotions tumbling around LOL).
It’s like no other emotional roller coaster I have been on, because it is never over. I am never “over it”, or “done with” being adopted. Imagine this, “meh, today I don’t wanna be an adopted person…” Nope. It is constant. Always there.
I work with infants and toddlers and their families through my work as an Early Childhood Educator and have yet to meet a family that has adopted their child – this saddens me. I wonder if any of them are adopted or what they think of adoption. Sometimes I question my work with families since I did not have that “perfect family” that is common. THIS IS SO UNFAIR. Adoption comes with stereotypes like whether I know who my “real parents” are, if my adoptive parents love me as much as a “real” parent can, and it is such bullsh*t!!! My wish for our world is that adoption becomes a norm, that people are used to and accept.
You know what I also want to change? When I google “adoption” and “I am adopted”, the only resources I find are for adoptive parents. No, I want to hear more stories about being adopted. I feel as if we do not write about this enough. Clearly ( I mean it took me 24 years) it is hard to talk about and brings up endless emotions, burbling sobs and a confusion in your heart, BUT THIS MATTERS. I do not know a single soul who is adopted, I mean I might but I have never been told by anyone that they are adopted. This hurts. I can’t be the only person on WordPress that is adopted. I want to connect…I want to know if you are as messed up emotionally (about adoption etc) as me LOL.
Thanks for listening to my very personal, very emotionally driven post. Next time I’ll go back to writing about books or my luscious garden, I promise.
Ahhh my, it’s summer once again! I feel SO overdue for some reading since I have been in school for the past 2 years. I am finally graduating in June and the most exciting part about this is I CAN READ MORE! (less textbooks and more FUN books).
I’ve created a list of books I am hoping to read before September 2018:
1. Forgotten by Catherine McKenzie
The Woman in the Window by AJ Finn
The Child by Fiona Barton
I’m keeping my list small in order to exceed my own expectations since I know I’ll read more than these 3 books. I really haven’t been keeping up to date in the book world so PLEASE do send me any titles of books that you’ve read recently and adored. I am actively looking for suggestions for books to read! Xox.
Today marks the day where I’m be making some changes. I’m choosing to blog about this in order to hold myself accountable. Last night something scary happened, I had an anxiety attack.
I have realized how my negative thoughts are affecting my mind. I always call myself a pessimist, but I know I need to change. I’m very hard on myself and it’s getting me into sad places I don’t want to be in.
So here’s to being more positive! To start I’ll be writing 3 GOOD things that happen at work today, instead of focusing on the negatives.
I want to hear from you. Do you have any advice on becoming more positive and mindful?