Hi all, it’s been over a year since I “came out” and posted that I am adopted. Most of what I wrote in this previous post makes me cringe, and at first glance I wanted to delete it. But if I did that, I couldn’t look back and realize just how far I’ve come.
Previously I said, “I don’t feel shame about being adopted”. LOL I think I have buried these feelings so damn deep under a pile of cement that I felt as if I had no shame. I can say now, after 3 months of counselling and 1 month of Freedom Session, I feel some deep shame, I feel some real strong anger, I feel as if my life has been unfair, I feel ripped off, and at the same time I do feel grateful. AND THIS IS ALLOWED. I can feel pissed, mournful and grateful all at the same time. How liberating is it to know this?
I am choked that adoption seems to be one of the only forms of trauma where the victim is expected to feel grateful.
I am real pissed about how our society views adoption, it isn’t rainbows and butterflies people!
I am annoyed and regretful that for my WHOLE LIFE I have minimized my feelings by saying, “well at least I wasn’t in the foster system”, or “my mom tried her best”.
I am sad that I did not have a father growing up. I am sad that my adoptive mother was a single mom. I am sad that I felt lonely, and that I still feel lonely.
So here I am, figuring my sh*t out. If you know of any adoptee resources (books, blogs, etc) please send them along as I am eagerly searching.
I said it. That’s right. I am adopted. The first time I said aloud was while sitting on a dusty, ratty old couch that sat in a common room of my university dorm building. I was 20 years old. And of course I didn’t tell just anyone about this secret, I told a girl who I did not know well but seemed overly accepting and kind of perky – I think this was a safe choice for me. At the time I realized that I didn’t care what she thought so I went ahead and told her, shortly turning into a pile of tears. Yes, I lived 20 years on this earth not telling a soul that my birth mother did not want me, she could not afford to pay for me. I am still emotional about this of course, but not ashamed as I once was. This will be the first time I ever write it out, and here I am…publicly announcing it.
You are probably wondering why it took me 20 years to tell anybody. I ask myself this when I am reflecting on how sad but also beautiful adoption can be. Adoption is a tumbleweed of being rejected and being wanted – a constant tumbleweed (I honestly can’t tell you why I chose to use this word…I just imagine my emotions tumbling around LOL).
It’s like no other emotional roller coaster I have been on, because it is never over. I am never “over it”, or “done with” being adopted. Imagine this, “meh, today I don’t wanna be an adopted person…” Nope. It is constant. Always there.
I work with infants and toddlers and their families through my work as an Early Childhood Educator and have yet to meet a family that has adopted their child – this saddens me. I wonder if any of them are adopted or what they think of adoption. Sometimes I question my work with families since I did not have that “perfect family” that is common. THIS IS SO UNFAIR. Adoption comes with stereotypes like whether I know who my “real parents” are, if my adoptive parents love me as much as a “real” parent can, and it is such bullsh*t!!! My wish for our world is that adoption becomes a norm, that people are used to and accept.
You know what I also want to change? When I google “adoption” and “I am adopted”, the only resources I find are for adoptive parents. No, I want to hear more stories about being adopted. I feel as if we do not write about this enough. Clearly ( I mean it took me 24 years) it is hard to talk about and brings up endless emotions, burbling sobs and a confusion in your heart, BUT THIS MATTERS. I do not know a single soul who is adopted, I mean I might but I have never been told by anyone that they are adopted. This hurts. I can’t be the only person on WordPress that is adopted. I want to connect…I want to know if you are as messed up emotionally (about adoption etc) as me LOL.
Thanks for listening to my very personal, very emotionally driven post. Next time I’ll go back to writing about books or my luscious garden, I promise.