I am adopted – part II

Hi all, it’s been over a year since I  “came out” and posted that I am adopted. Most of what I wrote in this previous post makes me cringe, and at first glance I wanted to delete it. But if I did that, I couldn’t look back and realize just how far I’ve come.

Previously I said, “I don’t feel shame about being adopted”. LOL I think I have buried these feelings so damn deep under a pile of cement that I felt as if I had no shame. I can say now, after 3 months of counselling and 1 month of Freedom Session, I feel some deep shame, I feel some real strong anger, I feel as if my life has been unfair, I feel ripped off, and at the same time I do feel grateful. AND THIS IS ALLOWED. I can feel pissed, mournful and grateful all at the same time. How liberating is it to know this?

I am choked that adoption seems to be one of the only forms of trauma where the victim is expected to feel grateful.

I am real pissed about how our society views adoption, it isn’t rainbows and butterflies people!

I am annoyed and regretful that for my WHOLE LIFE I have minimized my feelings by saying, “well at least I wasn’t in the foster system”, or “my mom tried her best”.

I am sad that I did not have a father growing up. I am sad that my adoptive mother was a single mom. I am sad that I felt lonely, and that I still feel lonely.

So here I am, figuring my sh*t out. If you know of any adoptee resources (books, blogs, etc) please send them along as I am eagerly searching.

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How do you grieve a Missing Person?

It has been 103 days since my father in law went missing from his home, he had gone out on his morning walk, and he never returned home. 103 days of wondering, 103 days of searching, 103 days of emotional agony, 103 days without our Dad.

The disappearance of my father in law has flipped my world upside down. 103 days is not a lot of time, yet I feel as if my whole perspective on the world has flipped. I have never been a traditional person, however now I feel myself craving tradition and wanting to change my last name for marriage(wedding is coming up!). I want a family of my own, I want to hold onto the few family members I have left with all my might. I feel anxiety, I feel sadness for my fiance, I feel guilt that we did not spend more time with him(my father in law), I feel silly sometimes due to him not being “my” dad. I feel everything, and I feel nothing – all at once. I feel alone, as I don’t know anyone else who has experienced this type of loss…I don’t even know if you can call this loss.

How do you continue to have hope for the rest of time, never knowing whether someone will be found or not? Do I continue to search? Do I try to go on with my life, trying to push away the awful feelings that creep up inside me?