How do you grieve a Missing Person?

It has been 103 days since my father in law went missing from his home, he had gone out on his morning walk, and he never returned home. 103 days of wondering, 103 days of searching, 103 days of emotional agony, 103 days without our Dad.

The disappearance of my father in law has flipped my world upside down. 103 days is not a lot of time, yet I feel as if my whole perspective on the world has flipped. I have never been a traditional person, however now I feel myself craving tradition and wanting to change my last name for marriage(wedding is coming up!). I want a family of my own, I want to hold onto the few family members I have left with all my might. I feel anxiety, I feel sadness for my fiance, I feel guilt that we did not spend more time with him(my father in law), I feel silly sometimes due to him not being “my” dad. I feel everything, and I feel nothing – all at once. I feel alone, as I don’t know anyone else who has experienced this type of loss…I don’t even know if you can call this loss.

How do you continue to have hope for the rest of time, never knowing whether someone will be found or not? Do I continue to search? Do I try to go on with my life, trying to push away the awful feelings that creep up inside me?