I am adopted – part II

Hi all, it’s been over a year since I  “came out” and posted that I am adopted. Most of what I wrote in this previous post makes me cringe, and at first glance I wanted to delete it. But if I did that, I couldn’t look back and realize just how far I’ve come.

Previously I said, “I don’t feel shame about being adopted”. LOL I think I have buried these feelings so damn deep under a pile of cement that I felt as if I had no shame. I can say now, after 3 months of counselling and 1 month of Freedom Session, I feel some deep shame, I feel some real strong anger, I feel as if my life has been unfair, I feel ripped off, and at the same time I do feel grateful. AND THIS IS ALLOWED. I can feel pissed, mournful and grateful all at the same time. How liberating is it to know this?

I am choked that adoption seems to be one of the only forms of trauma where the victim is expected to feel grateful.

I am real pissed about how our society views adoption, it isn’t rainbows and butterflies people!

I am annoyed and regretful that for my WHOLE LIFE I have minimized my feelings by saying, “well at least I wasn’t in the foster system”, or “my mom tried her best”.

I am sad that I did not have a father growing up. I am sad that my adoptive mother was a single mom. I am sad that I felt lonely, and that I still feel lonely.

So here I am, figuring my sh*t out. If you know of any adoptee resources (books, blogs, etc) please send them along as I am eagerly searching.

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Making a change

Today marks the day where I’m be making some changes. I’m choosing to blog about this in order to hold myself accountable. Last night something scary happened, I had an anxiety attack.

I have realized how my negative thoughts are affecting my mind. I always call myself a pessimist, but I know I need to change. I’m very hard on myself and it’s getting me into sad places I don’t want to be in.

So here’s to being more positive! To start I’ll be writing 3 GOOD things that happen at work today, instead of focusing on the negatives.

I want to hear from you. Do you have any advice on becoming more positive and mindful?