How do you grieve a Missing Person?

It has been 103 days since my father in law went missing from his home, he had gone out on his morning walk, and he never returned home. 103 days of wondering, 103 days of searching, 103 days of emotional agony, 103 days without our Dad.

The disappearance of my father in law has flipped my world upside down. 103 days is not a lot of time, yet I feel as if my whole perspective on the world has flipped. I have never been a traditional person, however now I feel myself craving tradition and wanting to change my last name for marriage(wedding is coming up!). I want a family of my own, I want to hold onto the few family members I have left with all my might. I feel anxiety, I feel sadness for my fiance, I feel guilt that we did not spend more time with him(my father in law), I feel silly sometimes due to him not being “my” dad. I feel everything, and I feel nothing – all at once. I feel alone, as I don’t know anyone else who has experienced this type of loss…I don’t even know if you can call this loss.

How do you continue to have hope for the rest of time, never knowing whether someone will be found or not? Do I continue to search? Do I try to go on with my life, trying to push away the awful feelings that creep up inside me?

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I am adopted.

I said it. That’s right. I am adopted. The first time I said aloud  was while sitting on a dusty, ratty old couch that sat in a common room of my university dorm building. I was 20 years old. And of course I didn’t tell just anyone about this secret, I told a girl who I did not know well but seemed overly accepting and kind of perky – I think this was a safe choice for me. At the time I realized that I didn’t care what she thought so I went ahead and told her, shortly turning into a pile of tears.  Yes, I lived 20 years on this earth not telling a soul that my birth mother did not want me, she could not afford to pay for me. I am still emotional about this of course, but not ashamed as I once was. This will be the first time I ever write it out, and here I am…publicly announcing it.

You are probably wondering why it took me 20 years to tell anybody. I ask myself this when I am reflecting on how sad but also beautiful adoption can be. Adoption is a tumbleweed of being rejected and being wanted – a constant tumbleweed (I honestly can’t tell you why I chose to use this word…I just imagine my emotions tumbling around LOL).

It’s like no other emotional roller coaster I have been on, because it is never over. I am never “over it”, or “done with” being adopted. Imagine this, “meh, today I don’t wanna be an adopted person…” Nope. It is constant. Always there.

I work with infants and toddlers and their families through my work as an Early Childhood Educator and have yet to meet a family that has adopted their child – this saddens me. I wonder if any of them are adopted or what they think of adoption. Sometimes I question my work with families since I did not have that “perfect family” that is common. THIS IS SO UNFAIR. Adoption comes with stereotypes like whether I know who my “real parents” are, if my adoptive parents love me as much as a “real” parent can, and it is such bullsh*t!!! My wish for our world is that adoption becomes a norm, that people are used to and accept.

You know what I also want to change? When I google “adoption” and “I am adopted”, the only resources I find are for adoptive parents. No, I want to hear more stories about being adopted. I feel as if we do not write about this enough. Clearly ( I mean it took me 24 years) it is hard to talk about and brings up endless emotions, burbling sobs and a confusion in your heart, BUT THIS MATTERS. I do not know a single soul who is adopted, I mean I might but I have never been told by anyone that they are adopted. This hurts. I can’t be the only person on WordPress that is adopted. I want to connect…I want to know if you are as messed up emotionally (about adoption etc) as me LOL.

Thanks for listening to my very personal, very emotionally driven post. Next time I’ll go back to writing about books or my luscious garden, I promise.

balance of a relationship & friendships

I have a question for you all: how do you balance a great relationship with your other parts of life?

Four months in and I’m so in love. A little blinded at first but not badly. I’m seeing a great person who I can quite frankly see myself with for many months to come. Now to the difficult part, the part that every relationship struggles with I’m sure.

I love this person. We are good for each other. We cook meals together. Have joined sport teams together. We exercise. We have great sex. We talk. Argue and cry a lot, and figure out how to deal with our problems. I love that I can be 98% myself with this person. That being said of course I want to spend my time with this person, especially when their in all aspects of my life at this point.

I’m in this stage of life where I’ve moved on from my highschool and university lives(thankfully!) but haven’t made a new life with new people in it. My work space is just me and toddlers, let’s be honest. Yes I’ve met some great moms and a few nannies I like but theyre not friends! Let me say that I am defintely an introvert and don’t neccesarily “need” and want to constantly go out with friends. How do I balance friendship with a relationship?

Of course I know it’s unhealthy to spend 90% of my time with the person I love; we are going to drive each other crazy! But does that mean I need to see friends? I am quite happy having me time. Is this wrong?

What if something happens in our relationship; a break up etc? I feel as if I would have no one! My best friend(mommy!) is thousands of miles away, and I only have a few(distant) friends that I could go to. This isn’t good! I’m not complaining of course, as I’m happier than I was when I was single. But I suppose new relationships come with new struggles. I’m sure you people reading this have had similar issues, any advice?

dreams; a personal post

Without saying any numbers, I’m young. I’ve had the dream of opening my own daycare for a few years now after realizing it’s not totally impossible for me to achieve. Would it be easy? Of course not, when has opening a business and keeping it running easy? Never. So add children into the mix and you have a recipe for a disaster of many kinds (financial, my sanity, etc etc).

I’d like to think that I’ve somewhat proven to myself that I am able. No, nannying isn’t the same but it’s a lot of the same principles. Some problems of mine are:

Timing: first I would like to get higher education…1-2 years later. Opening a daycare isn’t an overnight endevour, let’s be honest. I would add another 2 years to that for my next points/problems:

Money: of course. It’s expensive and I happen to live in one of the priciest areas on this continent(great!) Buying a house alone would cost me upwards of 1 million dollars, and let’s be honest…I could work until I was 109 and still be paying for that house!

Space: since housing prices are soaring and I would like to stay in this area since my life is here, where does this leave me to open a daycare? I could rent a space, but I find these “retail spaces” so cold, and they often lack outside area which if you’ve read my past post, is VERY important to me.

Reality(?): by the time I figure this all out, earn the money, and start it up…I’ll be wanting a family of my own. Oh well fuck! Of course I can’t plan everything that will happen in the future but I do like having a plan.

Any advice, words of encouragement? Do you run your own daycare? Are you completely clueless in the area but have something to say? Have you opened a business? Tell me I’m crazy if you want! I would love to hear from ALL of you.

Thanks!